Friday, July 30, 2010

The Creepiest Thing: 4th Edition

This week The Creepiest Thing is...

The Kia Soul 'Rapping Hamster' Commercial

Yeah, all right, it's a bit weird this week. I know, I know, it's a commercial. Seriously though, it is well creepy. I have had to see this thing over, and over, and over for the past few weeks and every single time it comes on I feel like I've just been assaulted.

Anthropomorphic RAPPING hamsters.




Horror movies I can do. But this is just beyond creepy.

I do not understand the recent trend to make CGI animals that sing and dance, it's frightening, and then some. It's unnatural, it's freakish, and it is DOWN RIGHT SCARY.

I freely admit that I have come to fear anthropomorphic animals. And I'm looking at you for this Internets. If it weren't for you I could still watch Disney's Robin Hood without feeling the urge to openly weep. But what's done is done, and the fact remains that I will never be able to look at movies from my childhood the same way again. But at least that's easy enough, just don't put the DVD in, however at any given time that horrible thing might just pop out of nowhere and make feel all shell shocked.

Now, please don't think that I hate hamsters. This girl doesn't hate any animals...
except for monkeys. Sorry if that offends you kid, this girl hates monkeys.

I like real hamsters, real hamsters are cute.


cute! Cuddly! Don't you want to take it home?

But wait ... what's this thing?


Hamsters should be doing cute snuffly things. Hamsters should be snuggled and adored.


I don't know you guys, I just don't know. How can I be scared by horror films when there's normal everyday things that are way freakier then anything in the movie theater ... well, with the exception of that horrifying "Cats Vs. Dogs" movie coming out.

Seriously you guys, if this is the turn that popular media is going to take this girl might have to go live in the forest next to a log.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Oh Guillermo Del Toro, be still my heart

So, your truly has returned safely to the world of her beloved horror blog. Whilst I was away from all my dears and darlings I happened to attend Comic Con International at which one Guillermo Del Toro unveiled the first glimpse of the teaser trailer, and prologue of his upcoming film "Don't be afraid of the dark".

You guys, you guys.

You have no idea how freakishly excited I am about this one.

This girl was wiggling in her seat with excitement the whole time.

I would be lying if I said that Guillermo Del Toro wasn't basically my hero, because he is. I can't help but love someone who not only adores horror movies as much as he does, but also breathes new life into the genre and creates films that are absolute works of art. I know I've dropped hints in past entries about my long standing love affair with his films Pan's Labyrinth and The Orphanage, so the second I found out that Del Toro would be making a new movie I went a bit mental.

At the panel Del Toro described the new film as : “hard-hitting, scary and classic, with an ending that hits you like a motherfucker”.

That excites me like you don't even know you guys.

I love horror movies, obviously, I basically devour them. Here's the things though, it has been years since a horror film actually scared me. I can, in fact pinpoint the last horror movie that actually scared the bejesus out of me, but that is a story for another day. I will say though that it was eight years ago.

How depressing is that.

That being said, the trailer for the new Del Toro actually gave me chills. No really, it looks like a horror movie that might scare even me. And I couldn't happier about that.

It doesn't hurt that the scares of this movie look like they are a call back to the latent fears of childhood, especially since one scene in the trailer is shot from the lead character, a little girl's, point of view as she crawls through her sheets clutching a flash light. When the thing she discovered was revealed at the end of the trailer's "jump" scene I basically squealed with joy.

This a horror movie that has been given an R-rating without having swearing, sexual content, or graphic scenes of gore. But the MPAA insisted that it take an 'R' as opposed to a 'PG-13' on account of "pervasive scariness".


I'm so excited it's freaking ridiculous.

Why isn't it January yet? Because I NEED this movie in my life.

Mr. Del Toro, I love you like a bad habit, and I have no intention of quitting you any time in the foreseeable future.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Moving might be the greatest horror ever

Well my Dears, Darlings, and Fellow Spooky-Dos; it would seem that I will be needing to neglect my lovely pet horror blog for the next week and a half or so.

See kids, your good friend Spooky Pie is in the process of moving herself into a new apartment, and also I have a vacation, of sorts, headed my way in the next week. This all pretty much means that my chances of being on the internet are slim to nothing during the next couple of weeks.

I know, I know, I suck.

I couldn't even have the next edition of "The Creepiest thing" up on account of all that. Ugg...

But I look forward to catching up on everyone's blogs when I return to the land of Cyber horror, so be good until I see you again.

♥ Spooky

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Creepiest Thing: 3rd edition

This week The Creepiest thing is...

Angler Fish

Okay, okay, I know that some of you out there might be going "Umm... wow, a fish huh?". Sure the 1st edition was about satanic audioanimatronics, and the second about flesh eating dolls, so it's a deviation that I have gone into the natural world for this week's installment. But let's be reasonable here people;


Angler Fish are pretty much one of the most horrible things in existence. Yes, I know, they live at the bottom of the ocean. Again, I also know that the chances me every crossing paths with one of them is slim to none.

Doesn't matter, I know that they're out there.



Sure, most of the things that have to be able to survive that deep under the water are pretty damn creepy, but the Angler Fish seriously take the cake. What's that? Still don't think that they deserve this week's slot? Okay then, let me explain to you EXACTLY why they do.

Their horrible mouths, filled with razor sharp teeth, wrap ALL THE WAY around their heads. In addition to this, they can also completely distend their jaws, and their friggin STOMACHS, so that they can swallow something that is over twice as big as they are. So, you know, if they adapted to being able to come into shallow water that would mean that they could swallow like, your baby.

Yeah. Top that "Dingo ate my baby" lady! Try competing with someone whose offspring was ingested by an Angler Fish! I bet you can't! HA!

Also, they're pretty much the biggest assholes ever.

That little dangly thing on their heads? They light it up and wave it around, which makes other fish think that it either

A) is something to eat
B) something that wants to play with them.

So the little fishes, feeling all safe and happy and lured into a sense of false security wiggle on up and get gnashed to death.

Do you remember that part in Finding Nemo? Where Marlin and Dori are tempted in thee deep, dark scary part of the ocean? Then suddenly, out of nowhere there is this light.

Ooooh, they're so happy, look at the light, it's so pretty. I makes them so happy, they float towards it and try to play with it. And then what happens?


And the mildly adorable cartoon fish flee make like a banana and split before they get to see the wonder that is the freak's distending jaw and stomach.

Don't remember that part? Well, the fine folks at Pixar weren't exaggerating. At least not by much.

But here's the thing kids, I haven't even gotten to the freakiest thing about them.

Freakier than the fact that they look like something Tim Burton once had a nightmare about, or even that they have acquired the Vampiric skill of glamoring.

Freakier that all that are their Goddam mating habits.

Seriously, they make a female Praying Mantis look like June Cleaver.

The horror show that has been featured in the above pictures is only what the female Angeler Fish looks like. The male is like 1/10 of the female's size and exists solely to be a sperm-filled parasite.


Male Angler Fish are born basically useless, only equipped with a strong sense of smell. Their only purpose is to use their sense of smell to find the a female Angler Fish to latch onto. If they don't find one, they'll starve, because they don't have their own functioning gastrointestinal tract.

If they do find one, it's not any better.

Once he finds the female, who the poor jackass believes is going to save him, he bits down onto her side for dear life.

And then she proceeds to excrete an enzyme that melts its mouth off, and then actually completely envelopes the male, killing it and digesting it into herself. Yes, breaking down nearly all of it, brain, internal organs, the works.

The only part of the male the female actually uses is its testes so that she can impregnate herself with them whenever she wants to.

Way to go dude Angler Fish. You're pretty much an over-glorified Sperm bank.

Except, you know, when you donate to a sperm bank they pay you for your time. They don't immediately jump on you wearing bibs and toting a fork and knife.

Oh Cannibalism, such fun times. Except, you know, not at all.

And the female can do this a lot, basically, she can carry around her own handy dandy sperm bank, full of multiple male angler fish testes for whenever she wants one. Like they're trophies.


Sure, the whole freaky Angler Fish scenario is a lot funnier when retold over at The Oatmeal, but even then its still ... guh.

It was long before my time, but I have heard in rumour and legend that 'Jaws' instilled a fear of the Ocean in a great number of those who saw it.

That on account of the film people refused to go into the water because, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there might be some sharks in there.

I say:

Sharks? Ha!

I'll take sharks any day, just for the love of God and all that is holy, don't make me go anywhere near those damn Angler Fish.

Be sure to tune in next week for another edition of "The Creepiest Thing"!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Candyman (1992) Or "What's the matter Trevor? Scared of something?"

'Candyman' was one of those movies that came out in the period of time in which I was too young to be allowed to view such cinema. I'm not going to date myself here by saying just how old I was when said film came out, but I was young. And I was a pretty damn sheltered kid.

So basically, 'Candyman' entirely passed me by. But it is a personal goal of your humble narrator to go back and reclaim the movies that came out whilst she was but a tiny confection, or before I even began baking, so to speak. Also, the 'Candyman' urban legend is one of those ones that every little kid was tortured by, at least in my childhood he was basically the male version of Bloody Mary (although Miss. Mary caused much more fear in this Pie than the man with the candy ever did).

But there is a trouble with movies in the vein of being recreations of Urban Legends, as a child these were things that scared the ever living crap out of you. The man with the hook for a hand was always waiting in some ally, Bloody Mary was in every friggin mirror, the Bogeyman was always either under the bed or in the closet, and let's not even get started on the babysitter with the killer upstairs business.
So here's the thing, how is a movie ever going to be able to even touch upon the complete and utter horror these things instilled in you as a child? It's impossible, that's just a fact. Learn to love it.

So basically, I was geared up to snort and poo-poo my way through 'Candyman', as I have through all film adaptations of Urban Legends that I have seen before (although, the 'Bloody Mary' episode of Supernatural was actually a pretty darn good try). I won't lie, I kind of wanted to hate this movie.

But Goddamit, I didn't. In fact, I found amazing merits buried in it. And you know, I could probably have dismissed this movie as rubbish all together if they hadn't had such an amazingly strong female lead to carry the entire movie on her shoulders.

Dears, Darlings, and fellow Spooky-Dos meet our Intrepid Heroine, Miss Helen Lyle.

She is smart as a whip, obnoxiously gorgeous, and will spend the whole movie having life and the world essentially crap all over her.

The movie opens with Helen interviewing a college girl who tell her a story that is "the scariest things she's ever heard, and it's totally true". It turns out to be a story about the aforementioned guy version of Bloody Mary crossed with the "Hook man" legend. Long story short, horny teenagers say Candyman's name five times in a mirror, he show ups and fillets the girl. And her roommate's friend's boyfriend totally knew the people it happened to.

Which is how we learn that Darling Helen, along with her awesome best friend Bernadette are graduate students working on a thesis about Urban Legends.

Helen's husband, Trevor, is an enormous Douche-bag who teaches at the university where Helen and Bernadette were interviewing college freshmen about what urban legends they'd come across. So, of course, he decides to make a lecture about Urban Legends to his class (which is who knows what, maybe Anthropology?) and ruin their study collection possibilities by wising the kids up to it all.

Helen is, justifiably, torqued. Trevor, the douche who is also rather obviously giving "extra credit", if you get my meaning, to one of his students, all but tells Helen that she is being a hysterical female and he is not going to let her silly little thesis interrupt his teaching schedule.

We're less than ten minutes into the movie and I'm hoping that Trevor gets terribly, terribly maimed.

But anyway, sweet hubbie's bastard tendencies force Helen to look further than college freshman for her study group. But she lucks out whilst typing up the interview she had with the freshman that opened the film, a woman cleaning the classroom she is in comments upon it. This leads Helen to interviewing said cleaning lady and her co-worker, which then leads her to a rendition of the legend that actually corresponds with a crime that happened in the Projects.

So Helen, in true Nancy Drew fashion heads out to the place the grisly murder took place, dragging reluctant voice of reason Bernadette along with her. In the projects the 'Candyman' legend is alive and kicking, so to speak, and everyone and their mother alternates between living in abject fear of him, and blaming him for all the normal hoo-ha.

Helen is an educated woman and is not to be bothered with superstition, so she insists to these people that their own personal Bogeyman is complete Horse Feathers. And as such COMPLETELY DAMNS HERSELF.

In true Freddy Kreuger fashion Candyman understands that the only way to exist is through other's faith in his legend. So in true "shun the non-believer" fashion he reveals himself to her, creepily, in a parking lot. Insisting that either she let him kill her or he will make her pay for the loss of faith she has caused within his congregation. Trouble is, I won't lie, Candyman looks pretty Badass whilst being a total creeper, and I wasn't exactly mad at the dulcet tones of his smooth baritone voice.

Which is when everything goes to Hell in a hand basket, so to speak. Candyman brutally murders people left and right and sets Helen up to take the fall, insisting that the slaughter will continue until she gives herself up. And we aren't just talking in a "give up and let me kill you, you difficult woman" way, it's all pretty down right sexual. Almost romantic, in a frightening sort of "Phantom of the Opera" way.

But Helen, God bless her, she is one tough cookie. Horrible, horrible things are happening all around her and she keeps on fighting. And looking perfect the whole times, yes, even when she is drenched in the blood of those that Candyman has slaughtered, and having a near hysterical meltdown, she still looks basically awesome.

But it is only when all the shit starts to hit the fan that the real reason I found myself enjoying this movie began to pick up. No, it's not just because this movie had a villain I could get behind, which is important to me and all, but not the big reason here. The allegory between Urban Legend, belief in something allowing existence becomes a subtle, and amazing theme.

Helen, herself, is not unlike Candyman. No, she doesn't go around gutting people with her festering hand with a hook jammed in it, granted, but she only exists as long as she is believed in, as much as he is.

She begins the movie, strong, vibrant, confident in her existence. But this is when she has the, supposedly, happy marriage, a wonderful best friend, and the respect of her peers. As this all falls apart, as there is suddenly a lack of people's belief in her Helen seems to be feeling herself disappear, much in the way Candyman described himself as doing when the legends were not to be spoken of him any longer.

Taking out the twisted romantic aspect of the Candyman's feelings toward Helen, he is offering her something that douche-bag Trevor, or anyone else really did. A chance to truly exist because she will always be remembered, believed in. Even if it is only for the crimes that Candyman has perpetuated and framed her for.

And yes, I have acknowledged that it is sick to think of 'Candyman' in the sense of being a romance. But there is a highly romantic aspect to it, more romantic than you can perceive between her and Trevor. Even before things began to go south we were more than reasonably sure that that her sorry excuse for a husband was having one of those "special" teacher relationships that involve lot's of staying after school for "extra credit assignments".

And once the going gets even remotely rough Trevor is more than willing to throw his hands up and be done with her, more than anything else because this is the perfect excuse for him to move in with his barely legal trollop. And when confronted with this, Trevor essentially counters with a "yeah, but you're a crazy person who killed people, even though you were never proved guilty, so I put all your stuff on the lawn with a 'free to a good home' sign on it."

Well, not in so many words, but you get the picture.

Candyman, in his own psycho way, is sort of the Byronic love interest for Darling Helen. He offers her eternity with him. They'll live forever so long as there are people who will speak in whispers about them, and he is happy to have that forever include her in the main focus of it.

I know it's wrong to think it, y'all. But it is a little bit sweet.

Sweet in a "I probably shouldn't have stopped seeing a therapist" kind of a way, but eh, I've seen the Phantom of the Opera a bazillion times and I still get upset every time Christine chooses that tool Raul over the Phantom. Sure the Phantom murdered truckloads of theater folk, but didn't he also write her the loveliest songs? I'm just saying.

But Helen proves that she is firmly the hero of this story, because she believes she can be strong. Once she shakes the shackles of her horrible marriage, and even avoids the seductive lure of the Candyman, she truly comes full circle and is truly in her own by the end of the film.

Which is why I can't be mad at this film.

I don't consider myself a feminist, but the strong female character that was Helen is arguably one of the strongest women in Horror cinema. Yes, I know everyone always looks first and foremost to Sigourney Weaver's character Ripley. But I argue that the self-rescuing Helen should be considered at least as highly. After all Helen fends off an evil that cannot be jettisoned out an air lock, because it exists in the very fibers of the mind.

And she never has to walk around in her panties to do it either.

Go Helen. You rock, Rock.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Torn, torn like an old sweater

I'm sure at this point most, if not all, of you are aware that the absolutely amazing 2008 Swedish Vampire movie Let the Right one in has been re-made into an American version, less cleverly titled "Let me in", that is coming out later this year.

You and I haven't known each other very long, so I'll let you in on a little secret that you might not know about me.

Remakes, in general, make me kind of angry.

And when it's a remake of a foreign horror film, well, that has a tendency to make me homicidal. Especially, taking into account, America's track record with remaking foreign horror films into absolute monstrosities.

Do you remember the abomination that was the 2005 American remake of Dark Water? Because I sure as Hell do.

So then why, you might ask, should I be even remotely black and white on this remake? Shouldn't I already be completely up in arms over it? I mean, 'Let the Right one in' is, hands down, one of the most AMAZING horror films of the last decade. What is there to be torn about?

This, you guys, this.

Chloe Moretz.

I am, in general, not the biggest fan of children. but this kid managed to wiggle her way under my anti-kinder skin some time ago, and has since firmly rooted herself near my cold, black heart.

(those of you currently going, 'What the Hell Spooky? I have no idea who that is!', did you see Kick Ass? Then you DO know who that is, she played Hit Girl, now stop your whining)

So what does this mean you guys?

It means that, as much as I am going to hate myself and feel dirty for doing it, this particular Creepy Confection is going to be dragging her sugary ass to see this particular remake.

Am I proud of it?


Will I still be doing it despite the fact that it looks like they've sucked all the life/joy/amazingness out of the original?


I apologize in advance everyone. I already feel used.

This is all your fault kid, I wish I knew how to quit you.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Creepiest Thing: 2nd edition

This week The Creepiest Thing is …

Cabbage Patch Kids

“Snacktime” dolls

Anyone who was a child in the nineties, or above the age of two probably remembers these freaky little bastards.

If you don’t, chances are you forcibly blocked the memory out, as many of us are like to do with overly traumatic events. And if this is the case, I quite honestly can’t say that I blame you.

Dolls are, to begin with, already one of the most heinously freaky things on the planet. Since I was just a wee bit I’ve gotten the willies from dolls. Cabbage Patch Kid dolls are no exception, actually, they’re probably worse. I’m not sure if it’s their vacant, soulless eyes, their arms that are constantly outstretched as if to strangle you, or the fact that my aunt used to collect these horrible things and I had to, on multiple occasions, sleep in a room filled with them.

Whatever it is, they aren’t right.

Like really not right.

As if these satanic lumps of plastic weren’t already full of malice and God only knows what else, in the Fall of 1996 the brain trusts over at Mattel decided they needed to be even more evil. And so along came the Snacktime doll.

Apparently the idea of enabling a doll to chew was, for some reason, a good idea. And the greedy assholes over at Mattel responsible for this weren’t the only ones who thought so. Nay-nay dear Spooky-dos. Children all over the country saw these commercials and proceeded to browbeat their parents into buying them these Chucky”Snacktime” dolls for Christmas.

They were, in fact, the #5 best selling toy in the Christmas of 1996. Not in the Spooky Pie household, mind, this girl wanted an Easy Bake Oven.

So Christmas ’96 over 700,000 shrieking (with glee … for now) children opened up their Snacktime dolls. And for a short while, things were good. They catered to the bizarre need for kids to have dolls with bodily functions (I seem to remember there being a doll that also made bodily waste, how adorable.). Snacktime kids came with plastic stick shaped foods that were supposed to be carrot sticks and what have you, when said plastic foods were inserted into the dolls mouth it would “munch” on them and pull it into itself, to come out in its backpack.

That was all well and good.

But then, dear readers, things went TERRIBLY wrong.


I wish I was over exaggerating, which I guess, to a small extent I am, but not by much.

About a month after their release Mattel issued a massive recall of the dolls. Why?

Because 35 different isolated incidents were reported of children being MAULED by their Snacktime doll. Yeah, no kidding, and you thought Child’s play was just a movie. The doll’s chewing mechanism had no off switch, so once it started to devour something the only way to stop it was to practically destroy it. And the hair and fingers of little children seemed to be the Snacktime dolls preferred “snack time” food.

Multiple parents found themselves having to fend the attacking dolls off of their children. Since the mechanism didn’t have that pesky on/off switch, multiple children had chunks of their hair literally ripped for their heads as their parents tried to save them in true blue B-grade horror fashion.

One poor distraught mother found her child’s finger locked in the death grip of one dolls’ mouth, she tore the backpack of the doll off, she tried to beat it down, she couldn’t get the doll off of her kid. It wasn’t until a FRICKING POLICE OFFICER came down and “had to slash the doll's face open and then remove 15 screws" did they get the kid free.

Sweet Jesus, traumatic much?

But here’s the thing Dears and Darlings. The packaging on these terrible things was emblazoned with the a label reading “Feed me”, why in the name of God’s Ass did this set off no warning bells for anyone?

Forget the fact that none of these parents, obviously, must not have seen any of the ‘Child’s Play’ movies or even the ‘Talking Tina’ episode of The Twilight Zone. Had none of them seen, or at least heard of, Little Shop of Horrors?
If something that should not be able speak asks you to feed it


Unless, of course, you like the idea of spending your days feeding dentists and salesmen to the giant Venus Flytrap you named after your girlfriend.

Or, you know, something like that.

Be sure to tune in next week for another edition of "The Creepiest Thing"!