This week The Creepiest thing is...
Okay, okay, I know that some of you out there might be going "Umm... wow, a fish huh?". Sure the 1st edition was about satanic audioanimatronics, and the second about flesh eating dolls, so it's a deviation that I have gone into the natural world for this week's installment. But let's be reasonable here people;
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THESE ASSHOLES?
Angler Fish are pretty much one of the most horrible things in existence. Yes, I know, they live at the bottom of the ocean. Again, I also know that the chances me every crossing paths with one of them is slim to none.
Doesn't matter, I know that they're out there.
Sure, most of the things that have to be able to survive that deep under the water are pretty damn creepy, but the Angler Fish seriously take the cake. What's that? Still don't think that they deserve this week's slot? Okay then, let me explain to you EXACTLY why they do.
Their horrible mouths, filled with razor sharp teeth, wrap ALL THE WAY around their heads. In addition to this, they can also completely distend their jaws, and their friggin STOMACHS, so that they can swallow something that is over twice as big as they are. So, you know, if they adapted to being able to come into shallow water that would mean that they could swallow like, your baby.
Yeah. Top that "Dingo ate my baby" lady! Try competing with someone whose offspring was ingested by an Angler Fish! I bet you can't! HA!
Also, they're pretty much the biggest assholes ever.
That little dangly thing on their heads? They light it up and wave it around, which makes other fish think that it either
A) is something to eat
B) something that wants to play with them.
So the little fishes, feeling all safe and happy and lured into a sense of false security wiggle on up and get gnashed to death.
Do you remember that part in Finding Nemo? Where Marlin and Dori are tempted in thee deep, dark scary part of the ocean? Then suddenly, out of nowhere there is this light.
Ooooh, they're so happy, look at the light, it's so pretty. I makes them so happy, they float towards it and try to play with it. And then what happens?
BAM! I'M AN ANGLER FISH!
And the mildly adorable cartoon fish flee make like a banana and split before they get to see the wonder that is the freak's distending jaw and stomach.
Don't remember that part? Well, the fine folks at Pixar weren't exaggerating. At least not by much.
But here's the thing kids, I haven't even gotten to the freakiest thing about them.
Freakier than the fact that they look like something Tim Burton once had a nightmare about, or even that they have acquired the Vampiric skill of glamoring.
Freakier that all that are their Goddam mating habits.
Seriously, they make a female Praying Mantis look like June Cleaver.
The horror show that has been featured in the above pictures is only what the female Angeler Fish looks like. The male is like 1/10 of the female's size and exists solely to be a sperm-filled parasite.
Male Angler Fish are born basically useless, only equipped with a strong sense of smell. Their only purpose is to use their sense of smell to find the a female Angler Fish to latch onto. If they don't find one, they'll starve, because they don't have their own functioning gastrointestinal tract.
If they do find one, it's not any better.
Once he finds the female, who the poor jackass believes is going to save him, he bits down onto her side for dear life.
And then she proceeds to excrete an enzyme that melts its mouth off, and then actually completely envelopes the male, killing it and digesting it into herself. Yes, breaking down nearly all of it, brain, internal organs, the works.
The only part of the male the female actually uses is its testes so that she can impregnate herself with them whenever she wants to.
Way to go dude Angler Fish. You're pretty much an over-glorified Sperm bank.
Except, you know, when you donate to a sperm bank they pay you for your time. They don't immediately jump on you wearing bibs and toting a fork and knife.
Oh Cannibalism, such fun times. Except, you know, not at all.
And the female can do this a lot, basically, she can carry around her own handy dandy sperm bank, full of multiple male angler fish testes for whenever she wants one. Like they're trophies.
Sure, the whole freaky Angler Fish scenario is a lot funnier when retold over at The Oatmeal, but even then its still ... guh.
It was long before my time, but I have heard in rumour and legend that 'Jaws' instilled a fear of the Ocean in a great number of those who saw it.
That on account of the film people refused to go into the water because, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there might be some sharks in there.
I'll take sharks any day, just for the love of God and all that is holy, don't make me go anywhere near those damn Angler Fish.
Be sure to tune in next week for another edition of "The Creepiest Thing"!