So without further ado, my dears and darlings I give you...
The Top 5
#5: Mr. Mime
Okay, so I'm sure not all of you are as closely acquainted with Powerpuff Girls as this girl is, so here, let me give you the basic rundown on why this guy is here. He starts out the episode, freakishly entitled "Mime for a change" as a clown that performs at children's birthday parties.
Which is, you know, already pretty creepy.
But then, later in the episode, he is crossing the street and gets involved in a car accident involving a semi full of bleach. Which turns him from "Rainbow the Clown" to "Mr.Mime".
He then proceeds to spend the episode draining all of the color and sound out of Townsville with a really freakishly twisted grin on his face. This results in Bubbles, the blond one, in case you didn't know, having a full scale meltdown. Pretty rightly too, after the guy takes the color and voices of her sisters and she's left alone and not even her box of crayolas can fix it.
I wasn't even a kid when I saw this episode. But really, really, so messed up.
#4: Krusty the Clown
I'm not going to lie, I've always been a little bit freaked by Krusty the Clown. Don't get me wrong, this girl totally watched the Simpsons as a child, however, I was always pretty unhappy when it would come to Bart and Lisa watching "The Krusty the Clown" show. Sure a big part of that was "The Itchy and Scratchy Show", which was traumatized the bejesus out of me as a kid.
Putting aside the uber violent Cat and Mouse show within a show within a show. Krusty was pretty disturbing to a child. Foul mouthed, alcoholic, and cigar smoking, not to mention all the really uncomfortable things associated with his restaurant and breakfast cereal.
But what really bothered me as a kid was the fact that he was always wearing the clown makeup.
You'd seem him away from the show, sleeping, whatever, and he would always have the painted face. Even a kid can tell you that isn't right, that with the fact that he is street rat crazy, he kind of reminds me of John Wayne Gacy, I'm just saying.
#3: The Clown Doctors from Pee Wee's Big Adventure
As a kid there were few things that I loved more than Pee Wee Herman. I would get ridiculously happy to see the show whenever it was on. I won't lie, the episode of Family guy where Peter Griffin gets rich and recreates Pee Wee's Playhouse in his living room, that's totally what I would do if I was an eccentric billionaire.
So of course it stand to reason that little Spooky Pie loved the movies as well. And I did, I really did, you know, except for that one part....
Really! Really! It's traumatizing enough the whole deal with him having to schlep all over Hell and back to find his bike. Not to mention the whole thing with "Large Marge", which is, you know, hilarious as an adult, not so much as a child. But then poor Pee Wee's dream about the clown Doctors! You guys, you guys, I don't even...
To a kid having to even think about going to the Doctor's is bad enough... but then having all the doctors and nurses be clowns? Lord, even as an adult I can't deal with it. Goddamit Tim Burton, I love you, but really now, what the Hell is your problem? No more clowns or I'll be forced to kick you in the knees. I'm sorry, but it's true. Oh, and tell Helena 'hi' for me, and that I'm sorry I couldn't make it to Thanksgiving.
#2: The Fireman Clown from the Brave Little Toaster
Oh 'The Brave Little Toaster', I'm pretty sure many people can point to that movie as something that really just scared the crap out of them as a kid. It's pretty much jam-packed with trauma-sponge fodder. To begin with, the whole idea that your appliances are sentient, and experience sorrow when cast aside by their owners is something pretty hard for a small child to get their head around. In some of us it instilled latent pack-rat tendencies, because they we felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for any fried lamp or broken clock that we were going to throw out. Okay, so maybe it was a huge piece of crap, and it hadn't worked in years. Beside the point! Think about this poor busted alarm clock all by itself Mom! I can't throw it away! Yeah, my mother was psyched.
Beside that, the journey of said brave little toaster is harrowing at best. And then there's that horrible scene where the air conditioner starts freaking out about the man being out to get him and then just freaking blows himself the Hell up. That was hard to watch without a stuffed animal and a blanket to hide behind. And then there's the scene where the Toaster has the nightmare about the Fireman Clown.
Okay Disney, where the Hell did that even come from? Clowns? This movie is not about clowns!!! And clowns throwing animate toasters into baths where they will have horrible electric deaths.... WHAT???? And I mean, it's not *JUST* a clown, look at the leering mug on that thing. Where is it from? Hell? I think it must be from Hell. I see no other option here.
#1: Ronald McDonald
Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, before there was Pennywise, there was Ronald McDonald. The original creepy, child snatching Clown waiting in the storm drain. Okay, maybe he didn't actually lie in wait in the sewer, but I challenge you to think of what clown makes you think the most of childhood trauma and, dare I say, pedophilia, who comes to mind first?
I do believe that will be our good friend Ronald each and every time.
Here's the interesting, though not entirely surprising thing; the Japanese have managed to make him even MORE freakish.
Oh Japan... each and every time I think you can't get any weirder you make me eat my words. This isn't even the worst one I've seen of the Japanese Ronald McDonald commercials, it is, actually, one of the least pedo-ish ones I've seen. If you feel like being creeped out, look it up on youtube. Only, you know, don't.
Well, thanks for tuning in for a very special edition of 'The Creepiest Thing', I am hopefully going to be more attentive to this blog again now that things are starting to settle down. Have a whole group of movies all lined up to watch, and a blog award that needs recognition. So Until then, love and kisses, and look out for razor blades in your candy.